Question: I recently did a film where I had a nude and simulated-sex scene, and I didn't have a problem with it. But subsequently I had a very strong reaction to a similar scene on stage. I'm confused that I felt so nervous about being nude on stage. I am a female in my mid-30s, and I know I'm attractive, so it's not about my body. What gives?
First of all, I'm not surprised that you found the two experiences different. During filming, everyone is working on some aspect of a common project and has a job to do. No one is there just to look. In a sense, it's nudity in front of an accidental audience. You're just one of a working crew. The audience in a theatre, however, is there to look at you and has no focus other than you. This is the audience with which you're having problems.
Because you consider yourself attractive, I assume you're comfortable with your body. This means you don't have a problem with your body image and you're comfortable being naked in front of another person. And I will make another assumption: Your nervousness is likely to be more about the sexuality of the scene and less about simply being naked on stage (as if that were ever simple).
Who were you imagining was present in the theatre audience: family members, intimate friends, neighbors, strangers? Interestingly, any of these people could see you in the movie; the fact that that doesn't seem to bother you further suggests that the presence of a live audience is a factor in your response.
What do you mean when you say you felt nervous? Were you feeling embarrassed, ashamed, awkward, or maybe even a bit titillated? And most important, was it really about the nudity or was it more about having people, imagined or otherwise, seeing you "have sex"? Rarely do we have an audience for our sexual experiences unless we seek one out. My hunch is that you're uncomfortable with the idea of people other than a real-life sexual partner being an audience to your "performance," especially people you know.
Still, the issue could simply be nudity in front of others. As an actor, you're aware of how we all use clothing as a costume to convey a certain impression or image. We also wear our bodies the same way, and we're very vulnerable to others' scrutiny of them. As a woman, you must also be aware of our culture's sexism, with women judged on their physical appearance and many assumptions made based on that judgment. Further complicating your question is the issue of ageism and the fact that you're approaching your 40s. How do you feel about your naked body as it represents you to the world, knowing the way women are so unfairly judged? Do you believe others see the same body you see in the mirror? Or is there a disconnect between what others see and how you feel about yourself? It's one thing to have a solid sense of yourself and be able to shake off the ageism around you, and it's another to be subjected to it on stage night after night.
I've raised more questions than I've answered. Hopefully, some of them will lead to internal answers for you. As a woman and an actor, you're subjected to constant evaluations of your appearance that have little to do with your acting ability or how you feel about yourself. It is essential that you try to make the distinctions I've mentioned. Is your reaction to the sexuality of the situation or to the judgments you know will be coming your way? Sexism and ageism are constants in most women's lives, especially in your field. I am glad you went ahead and did the scene despite your nervousness. Maybe it will be easier the next time.
Harold Kooden received his Ph.D. from the University of Chicago's Committee on Human Development and Clinical Psychology in 1967. He has worked in community mental health and in private practice and is a fellow of the American Psychological Association. He is the co-author of 'Golden Men: The Power of Gay Midlife.'
Harold Kooden can be reached at askatherapist@backstage.com.
